My Story
What started my journey with yoga?
Pictured: MKY and New Milford Municipal Alliance’s first annual Mental Health Awareness Event!
THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF RECOVERY WELLNESS EVENT
There is not one single answer to this question - there are so many aspects of the practice that drew me in. I’ll start from the beginning and if you make it to the end - you’re awesome! I’ve had so many ups and downs and yoga has helped me keep the balance.
The first time I did yoga as an adult was shortly after my first cancer surgery in March 2019. Leading up to my diagnosis in December 2018, I had been going to the gym almost daily, squatting 155 pounds, running 3 miles a few times a week on the treadmill, while also being in school. At the time, I had been back in school for close to a year (I dropped out a month after I originally attended Montclair in 2015) - I decided to go into nursing and to be completely honest with you all, I was still using the first few months of school before I got sober in August 2018.
Once I got sober from alcohol and other substances, I got myself to complete my prerequisites and pass them with flying colors to my surprise. When I took the nursing exam, I ended up scoring in the 92nd percentile and doing better than I ever thought I would. I later found out that because of that score in combination with my grades in the prerequisites (A lot of anatomy and chemistry - I KICKED MY BUTT!) I got into Bergen Community College’s Nursing Program, one of the hardest in the area, and I was ecstatic.
I had never felt a sense of success before. To make a long story short, I wasn’t the best person the days I was not sober. I couldn’t follow through with anything I committed to and things always seemed to crumble. I am from River Edge, NJ, where many people grow up, do sports, graduate, go to college, and get a big girl/boy job. My path looked NOTHING like that. When I finally got into the nursing program, I felt such happiness - almost like I had reached a new level. I felt like my family was finally proud of me for something.
This is where my story takes a turn - very little to my knowledge at that time - for the best.
I had found out I got into the nursing program around Thanksgiving. I had reached my out-of-pocket maximum with insurance due to hospital stays - almost all addiction or mental health related. My mom kept pushing me to go get my yearly ultrasound to watch a nodule on my thyroid that had always been benign. Eventually I got the ultrasound and next thing I know… I needed a biopsy.
December 21st, 2018, I found out that I had thyroid cancer. But, the universe works in very funny ways. I had coincidentally made previous arrangements for that night to pick up a little husky puppy that I was way in over my head about. If it had not been for that coincidence that was extremely impulsive of me to be doing in the first place, I might have broken my sobriety that night. I was only 4 or so months sober at that point and very new to the rooms of AA. I had a solid support system and as I mentioned previously, I was going to the gym regularly and my relationship with physical health was really good up until that point when I was told I had cancer.
Shortly after my diagnosis when I learned I needed surgery in February, I talked to the head of the nursing program and she had said she cannot consciously let me do the program and fight cancer at the same time. She said it would be too much for my body. It made me so angry because I couldn’t disagree with her because I knew she was right.
Fast forward a few months to my first surgery. They took out my entire thyroid and 49 lymph nodes. 35 of 49 came back as a rare form of thyroid cancer (regular thyroid cancer is usually treatable and considered the “best cancer to get”). Only 2% of people with thyroid cancer get the type I got, which made sense to why the RAI treatment I did in March 2019 didn’t do anything.
After surgery, I had to adjust to having no thyroid. For anyone who doesn’t know, the thyroid regulates metabolism, temperature regulation, mood, energy, and a lot more. My bones started hurting, I got tired from walking not even 50 feet, and I’d start overheating basically anywhere and then get really physically sick and exhausted from it.
THIS IS WHERE YOGA COMES IN.
A friend introduced yoga to me after surgery and I started to play with it on my own. She would teach me a few things and then I would go back to my apartment and flow for hours - meditating or resting when it was too much. I instantly fell in love because I could feel control over my body again.
I missed going to the gym so much, but I just didn’t have the stamina anymore. I felt like I was going to pass out if I walked too far and I couldn’t imagine lifting weights when opening a door was difficult more than half the time due to all my neck muscles needing to heal. I found comfort in yoga because it gently reintroduced me to myself and my body. I was able to do such delicate movement with nothing but me, myself, and I. I fell in love VERY quickly. There was so much built up anger and trauma in my bones that I needed to stretch into. I wanted to flow and never stop because the more I did, the more I felt home in my body.
June 25th, 2019, was my second surgery at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital. This one was tough for many cancer/physical health related issues. The icing on top of the cake was the morning after my surgery when we found out my grandpa who had been battling Parkinson’s for years had passed away. I spent a few days in the hospital and was released early so I could make it to the funeral, although I missed the wake. Needless to say, my mind was racing in every way possible.
THIS IS WHERE MEDITATION COMES IN.
I was also accepting pain medicine at the time, in the hospital and then monitored by my mom at home, which really messed me up. I wasn’t able to eat much after surgery because my throat was swollen so I would often “feel” the pain medicine which triggered me in ways I can’t properly put into words.
I had started listening to a meditation on the app Headspace after my first surgery - its the “Coping with Cancer” course (I’ve done the whole thing 4 times) - and when looking to listen to anything to occupy my mind at the hospital, I stumbled across it. Boy, did it help along with the meditations for grief.
The months to follow were similar to the months after my first surgery. I reintroduced yoga to body but this time with meditation as a separate yoga practice. I learned to meditate in the poses that felt the best. My accessory nerve by my left shoulder was damaged from the second surgery and physical therapy was something I could not get myself to go to - it just felt like another doctor’s appointment.
THIS IS WHERE TEACHING COMES IN.
I had been nannying this entire time on and off with surgeries (God bless the family I had found and been with since being newly sober in 2018, they have really stuck with me through it all). When everything with COVID hit, I was still working. The kids were home from school so myself and the mom were homeschooling the 3 kids. Needless to say, it was a long few months.
I was basically going to work each day then coming home to my dog and my cat and then repeating that daily. Although yoga and meditation were keeping me sane, I started to feel purposeless. Remember when I said the universe is funny?
I had been following a yoga teacher on instagram and saw she was hosting a four day Goddess Kali challenge. Because I had named my angel pup Kali, I jokingly thought of it as something I had to do! I had NO IDEA what I was opening the door to. I will do a separate post about the Goddess Kali, my little Queen Kali, why I picked the name, and how it fits her perfectly.
By the end of the week, I signed up for yoga school with the teacher who had taught the challenge. Because of the pandemic, certifications from online schools were being accepted by the Yoga Alliance and I saw this as an opportunity. So much of my anxiety came from school in person. I used the silver lining of the pandemic and jumped into school with all the motivation in my being. Not to say that yoga school wasn’t hard, but my interest in yoga grew a mile a minute and I would find myself wanting to study and learn which was absolutely bizarre to myself and my family.
Quarantine had kind of forced me to move home with my parents due to financial problems (Another thank you to COVID!). It has turned out to be a blessing in disguise as me and my family have become closer than ever. Because I still do have cancer in my body, it takes a load of anxiety off of myself. I don’t have to worry about making rent if I need another surgery. I don’t have to worry about care for Kali and April (my angel kitty). This being said, being home helped me focus on school. I kind of just locked myself up in my little yoga office/studio in the attic and studied for hours/had class and it just worked!
I decided to go to school June 2020. This time last year I was still in school. My jaw drops when I think about the opportunities that the universe has provided to me in regards to teaching yoga. Not only did MKY kick off by doing “A Week of Yoga” sponsored by the River Dell PTO which made my heart happy in so many ways, but yoga has opened so many doors. From REC yoga, to soon REGAL yoga, to yoga at Bergen New Bridge Medical Center, to my own wellness event - I almost felt overwhelmed with opportunities at a point. It felt surreal and still feels bizarre that things are actually working out. As you have read, I don’t normally have the best of luck.
In conclusion, I wanted to bring attention to the big message of this all. If I hadn’t followed my heart and accepted things for how they were, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. Of course friends have come and go, relationships have come and gone, and there have been many lows along with these highs.
Yoga has helped me balance the lows and highs and has provided me with a solid understanding of myself.
The universe has a plan for us all. In my case, I got sober and the universe decided that I needed another battle to ultimately teach me that I need the practice of yoga in my life and more importantly, to share it with others. Not only has it healed me and continues to do so, but it helps me to heal others and that is the true reward of it all.
If you have made it to the end of this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know it’s a lot - but it is my truth and I am not apologetic for sharing it deeply and completely.
xoxo,
Morgan
